"And I fired two warning shots...into his head." "Some guys just can't hold their arscenic." "He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times."

Well, I greatly enjoyed that crazy rant last time...but I feel better now. After about a week of solid depression and anger, I think I've finally gotten over it. All it took was some Cell Block Tango and English class. In English I realized that Brian is in fact an egocentric jerk with the maturity of a fifth grader who doesn't take into consideration how his actions will affect other people. Who could love a guy like that? I admit that I regret that it ended. I wish it could have lasted, and I'm sad that it didn't. I enjoyed my blind bliss more than anything else in the world. But at the same time, I'm glad that I can see him for what he really is now. Yes, I still find him incredibly attractive. Yes, I still enjoy listening to him playing piano. Yes, I wish we could still talk for hours on end about nothing in particular. But I can finally see that this is not a guy who I want to be in a relationship with. I think I can finally talk to him now without wanting to dismember him, so maybe we can start over as friends. And who knows, maybe some day he'll gain a few brain cells and some tact and we can try this again.
Here's part of a poem I've written:
"What I thought was a lighthouse warm and bright had been blinding me with its cruel, harsh light. The raindrop eyes which so hypnotized me are now as cold as an arctic sea."
Two other poems I wrote several months ago likened him to "a lighthouse in the distance, a beacon through the night, a shelter to hold onto, and fire warm and bright" and his eyes to "warm droplets of rain on a glass windowpane". I like this one, because it incorporates specifics from those blissful, naive poems. So. That there was your daily insight into my mind...
Anyways. Enough about my broken social life...
Musical is grueling this time of year. Wonderful, but oh God, is it grueling. The sheer amount of work we put into it drains my very soul. I am a zombie. A happy dancing zombie in blue plaid daisies, but a zombie nonetheless. Sigh, I do love that certain spastic, panicky magic that musical season has... and opening night is in less than 2 weeks!!! I can't wait.
Speaking of theater, the children's play that I'm directing is opening tomorrow. I'm very excited. Also very stressed. I know how critical elementary students can be, and I can't help but worry that we'll look stupid, or they won't understand it, or something will go horribly wrong...becasue something always does go horrible wrong. So I'm preparing myself for a torrent of torment tomorrow.... O.O But all that same, I'm very excited. Deeep breaths. Alrighty, I should get to bed. I was up until like 4 in the morning at Caitlyn's house, watching movies and Facebooking...so I'll see all ya little twerps later! Auf weidersehen, mein leiblings.

What fun, what joy, what the hell.

Well. It has been a fun week, no? Let me see, now what has happened to me since I last wrote? Spring break has since ended, and the most exciting thing I did was go to happy hour at Applebee's with my college cousins and one of their friends. I had water and mozzarella sticks. We talked about music. Wooooooot. I also wrote another stanza to the poem I'd been composing as long as Brian and I have been together. It was wonderfully epic, and I was so anxious to see him again on Monday, and celebrate our belated 6-month-iversary. So I see him at lunch, and what is the first thing he says? No, not "I missed you so much!" or "How was your break" or "let's sneal out of the cafeteria and make out". No, no, it was "I think it would be better for both of us if we weren't together anymore." Yeah. Mmmmmhmmm. 6 freaking months and five freaking days after HE asked ME out, he breaks up with me out of NOWHERE. Apparently he thinks that "we have nothing in common" and he "isn't ready to be in a relationship. Well, guess what, Brian dear, YOU SHOULD HAVE FREAKING THOUGHT ABOUT THAT 6 MONTHS AGO BEFORE YOU ASKED ME OUT. So yes. Everyone has been quite nice to me, and I get whatever I want in my "heartbroken state", but my life pretty much sucks. I said I still wanted to be friends with him, which I do, but can't even look at him without a] wanting to cry, b] wanting to throw myself at him, begging for forgiveness of whatever it was I did wrong and kiss him passionately, or c] wanting to break his stupid kneecaps. This is a problem, since I sit near him in two classes and have lunch with him every other day. How can you love someone yet hate them so much at the same time? I had hoped that once it sank in that he doesn't, and maybe never did, love me, I wouldn't love him anymore. Hah. THAT worked out well. I want to kill him and kiss him, all at once. Maybe I should become a vampire. I want to hurt him and hug him. I wish that he could feel all the pain and anger and sadness that he has put me through, and yet I'm almost glad that he is happy now. If he's happy. He seems happy, but then, so do I on the outside. I don't know. I have so many things I want to ask him, but I can't stand even hearing his voice. Every little thing brings on a flood of memories, from a snippet of a song on the radio to the paint stains on my floor from when I made a painting for him for Christmas...I've already burned every poem I've written about him and stored everything he's ever given me in a box in the bottom of my closet, but I can't clean out my mind. The thought that I will never again feel his arms around me or look into his eyes or smell his hair or talk to him for hours on the phone or discuss books and music with him....God, it's killing me. I'm trying to be strong, but this is beyond me.....I need a burrito.

Me and my artsy schmartsy silly willy self...

It's officially the first day of spring. Woot! I'm enjoying break thoroughly. Who needs exotic places and fancy beaches when you can have your own room with the windows open and blowing sweet, sweet Bloomington wind at you as you paint masterpieces on mini-canvases and listen to Bruce Springsteen and read Jane Eyre while the paint dries, eating highly experimental pizza all the while? My week in a nutshell. Life is good.

BWAAAH! OH, GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS SPRING BREAK!

Not a whole lot has happened since last week. But in summary:
Musical rehearsal, tests, homework, more musical, not sleeping, eating my body weight in ramen, musical, more homework, and more musical. That is, until Friday, which I spent hanging out downtown with Brian, since he's in Florida for all of break.
Ahhhh, break! It finally feels like spring! I'm not going anywhere, and most of my friends are off in Florida and Tennessee and Chicago and Georgia and such exotic places as those. So what do I do? I check out old movies and Bruce Springsteen and musical theater CDs from the library, pick up The Bell Jar and Anna Karenina, and get a lot of sleeeeeep. Before break I had gotten so little sleep that I was bordering on hysterical (random laughing attacks in the middle of Bio class= not good), but now, I've slept until noon EVERY DAY. It's heaven. And it's WARM outside!!! Oh, and our daffodils are blooming! I'm so happy! The only thing that could make this better is if Brian, my wife, my Caitlyn, and my super-hero-discusser-wither were here to share it with me. Haha, that was so cheesy.
Anyhoo, Auf weidersehen, mein leiblings! (I've been listening to Cabaret all day.... X])

manoomanoomanooo...

Emily does not like daylight savings. Not one bit. The fact that the government here in Indiana decided for no obvious reason to start it here is a direct violation of constitutional law, since no one asked for it, it does not exactly benefit us, and the government should serve the people, not the other way around... Nyar. However, it's warm and rainy and springish outside, so that makes up for it a little. Random things to report: I found my green skirt, which makes me happy, I hate my history class right now, I've become addicted to Facebook :[, I love the weather, I discovered the joy of Southwest Chicken Salad at Macdo's, there are 30 days left of Lent, and I love mah boyfrann.
Shee yas.

THEMOSTAMAZINGENGLISHCLASSPROJECTEVER!

I. JUST. MADE. THE. MOST. AWESOME. ENGLISH. PROJECT. IN. HISTORY. EVER. EEEEVEEEER. So, my group, consisting of myself, Brian, and my friend Robyn (plus Lily and David, who randomly decided to tag along) went over to Brian's house to record our music video, based on Werther and Bovary. I wrote the lyrics to the song, Brian wrote the music, and Robyn and I sang it. It is so amazing and slightly cheesy. It incorperates epic 90s rap and a very poppy, harmonized chorus. Plus some awesome instrumentals. The video was mostly shots of me in a flowy white dress looking pensive and depressed and people killing themselves. Several notable scenes included me pushing Brian down a hill and into what we didn't know was a thorn bush (sorry, dahling), Brian looking like a fish while shooting himself and almost breaking the video camera, me trying to chug green water ("poison") and failing miserably and spilling it on the carpet, and Robyn breaking it down and rocking out (wearing rabbit ears, I believe.) It was so much fun. Once it's edited, it will be so epicly amazing. I'm psyched. X]

March Third, 2009-The Musical

March Third, 2009-The Musical: Plot Synopsis-
Act I--
Emily is sleeping soundly in her room, dreaming of happiness and warmth, when suddenly she is rudely awakened by her alarm clock. She hits the snooze button three times, reluctantly rises from her warm bed, and puts on her fuzzy sweater. She commences to get ready, rush about like a mad woman looking for her eyeliner, search for her shoes, brush her teeth, eat a pear, etc. As she does this, she sings a frenzied song about being tired, cold, and angry at Tuesdays. A chorus of small children join her, and they execute meticulous choreography. She exits into the bitter cold to catch her bus.
Act II--
Emily, after a dull, iPod-less 45-minute long bus ride, where she sings a lament about being bored, goes to the BHSN library to socialize like any typical adolescent. The headlines on CNN greatly entertain her. The bell rings and she goes to first period History, where she gets into a heated argument with her teacher over Machiavellian philosophy, which morphs into an angry duet. Said teacher also proclaims that The Who suck. Emily leaves class in antagonistic mood. She goes to Theater where she directs the play "Ernie's Incredible Illucinations" and panics. As she panics the theater class behind her goes into a cheesily choreographed dance piece. Exit to Study Hall.
~Intermission~
Act III--
Study hall. Emily reads "Revolutionary Road" and tries not to sleep, as it is against the rules. Cue tragic violin music and depressed musical number. Exit to lunch, where she makes fun of Ethan and eats fruit. Returns to Study hall, where she writes a song for English class. Bell rings, Emily exits to English class where she gets Alec to move his butt so she can steal the seat next to Brian. She goes into a vegetative state while a montage of her wandering thoughts frolic along the stage. She is snapped alert when she almost falls off her chair. Her group for her English Project meets up, and they decide on their game plan for their project. Bell rings exit to Hallway.
Act IV--
Emily canoodles like a silly person for a good 15 minutes among a chorus of a cheesy love theme before practicing for Cabaret in the auditorium. She sings pretty and everyone applauds. She dances off into the sunset with happy people lolloping behind her in an intrivate dance number.

~fin~

can you tell how stinkin bored I am???

Girlscouts pissed me off.

Gasp! It's March! It sounds so...so...so not winter-y! Yay! Anyhoos, a reacap of my past couple days:
Friday:
I don't think I did much on Friday...I was kinda depressed for no apparent reason, so I whined to my friends via Facebook and went to bed early. It was fun.
Saturday:
ISSMA State! I baaaaaarely squeezed by with a gold medal. Apparently my voice is too dark for the piece I was singing, so it wasn't light and bouncy enough. And it had really tricky dynamics. Plus, my performance time was at like 8 in the morning. Urrgh. But all in all, despite these tributaions, I think I did pretty well. Then I went home, made soup, took a three hour nap, went to Chipotle and got a vegetarian burrito, spazzed with Caitlyn over Facebook, and talked on the phone with the boyfrann for about and hour and a half about Harry Potter, music, and gender-based stereotypes. Woot.
Today:
Thus far, I've babysat and consumed my body weight in soy milk. Mmm. Oh, and spent a ridiculous amount of time online, typical teenager that I am...haha.

Random note:
have you ever noticed how ridiculous the sexism and stereotypes involved with girl and boy scouts are? I mean, boyscouts get to go camping and play with fire and knives and learn skills that will actoually be USEFUL in life. Girlscouts? WE sell cookies and make crafts and maybe occsionally learn how to...cook...and sew... I think the one time my old girlscout troop went "camping", it was in a nice, quaint, heated cabin with electricity and running water. We didn't even hike or anything, I think all we did was play a lot of card games and gossip about all the cute boys in our 5th grade class or whatever. And microwave s'mores. Woo hoo. Whereas boyscouts go the whole nine yards with actual tents and campfires and stuff... I guess us females are just too dainty to deal with that. Hmmph. Life isn't fair. I'm pretty sure that I was secretly meant to be a guy...or something...not that I'm quesstioning my gender or anything, but I've never been one to gossip, or freak out over celebrities, or read girl-targeted magazines...though, admittedly, I do love me my eyeliner and mascara. Whatever. Girls as a sex are just plain weird. But then, so am I. Anyways. How about we just say that the scouting program needs to be rethought and leave it at that?